I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
