Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
