my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
