He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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