I'm going to jail i love you
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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