I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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