she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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