Please, let me fuck your mom
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
