So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
it was like his penis was on wheels.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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