did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
