The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
