Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
