Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
