Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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