he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
