I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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