R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
