if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
