and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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