I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
