We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
We need to get me chipped asap
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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