Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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