Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
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They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
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What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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