new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
