On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
