the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
