Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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