If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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