I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
