i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He went soft
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
21 People That Had The Worst Birthdays Imaginable
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house