my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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