I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Bring me that man meat
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s