At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
