I think im going to throw up on grandma
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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