wrigley field is MILF paradise
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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