yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Randomize
