I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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