Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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