you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
