I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
