mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
