Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
