Old men and throwing up are my life now.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She even gives head with a lisp.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
