I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
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