I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
