i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
