So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
