you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
