i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
