dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize