I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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