oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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