she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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