You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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