He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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