the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
