i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
