I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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