I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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