It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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