my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
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We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
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I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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