I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
