I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
