I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
